It all started last week, when I snuck into my great grandfather’s crypt and stole his most prized possession. An old pocket watch with the ability to hypnotize and control anyone I please. Sort of. Well.. not really.
It all started with a dumb stupid idiotic- whatever word you want to use- dare. You are now probably thinking, who dared you to do such a thing? And the answer is nobody. Literally nobody. My therapist told me I should get out of my comfort zone, by daring myself to do things. You see, I have crippling anxiety about literally everything, hence the therapist and everything else.
Well how did I even dare myself to go into my great grandfathers crypt? Long story short, my mom wanted me to put a bouquet of flowers in his tomb while she visited some other family plots. So technically the next events weren’t my fault- they were Moms.
Anyway, I snuck into the crypt and down the stairs. All the walls were made out of pure stone, and cobwebs stuck in every corner. It looked straight out of a horror movie. I had to keep reminding myself that it was just a dare. It was just a dare. In the middle of the room was a marble coffin. I stepped closer to it, and practically threw the roses at it. I was done. Completely done. Well that was easy. I slowly trudged closer to the door (I was not planning on disrupting any spirits), and slowly put my hand on the door and started to push it open, when a ginormous metal thing fell from the ceiling, and hit me in the head.
My head throbbed, and I looked down to see a golden pocket watch, completely unscathed from its momentary skydive. Normally, I would run out of there and curl up in the grass in a ball of terror, but I had a feeling in my gut that I had never felt before. Plain and simple, curiosity. I grabbed the pocket watch, and booked it. Then I curled up in the grass in a ball of terror.
Thats when Mom found me, and stabbed one of her sketchers into my shoulder.
“Get up.” She said.
I groaned and stood up, the pocket watch still in my hand. We get in the car and pull out of the cemetery. Mom glanced back at me from the rear view mirror.
“Do you know what Great Grandpa Louie did for a living?” She said, “ He was a hypnotist. He supported the family for years, and thats how we eventually got our family fortune. Thats why I had you drop off flowers for him.”
Of course I knew this story. Great Grandpa Louie, hero, hypnotist, richest magician on the planet. Whatever. My eyes wandered to the pocket watch.
“His favorite color was purple y’know. He had people wear it to all of his shows.” Mom added.
I wonder… no. That would be wayyy to scary. Do I have? His hypnotic pocket watch? I contemplated just throwing the whole thing out the window and never seeing it again. But what if somebody found it? Somebody bad. It was probably safer with me. Ugh. It was probably safer with me.
Mom pulls into the driveway and starts unpacking some things from the car. I immediately run inside, lots of different ideas about what to do with the watch spinning through my head.
I could light it on fire? No- that would involve fire. I could throw it in a lake or something. But that would involve a body of water with possible boats and things. Boats and things that could run me over if I fell in. What if I could mail it to someone? No- that would involve mailmen, and everyone knows that mailmen have devious intentions.
But what if… I mean, I could have someone else get rid of it for me. I mean, I did have an all powerful hypnotic device in my possession. My eyes glanced to my idiotic younger sister, who was drinking a glass of milk and letting it drip over her small purple dress.
I walk over to her (making sure to keep a big distance so none of her germs got on me) and dangled the pocket watch in front of her snotty, gooey face. Her eyes slowly glazed over, and she plopped onto the floor.
Oh god. What had I done? I don’t even know how to bring her out of this! And what would my parents say if they found my little sister on the floor, staring at nothing, and drooling like a toddler. I mean, she was only six- but whatever. I didn’t need my parents thinking I had knocked her into some sort of coma. I couldn’t have them kick me out of the house. I could never live on the streets by myself, alone, scared, cold, and having to live off of microwave chicken (spoiler alert, you cant find a microwave when you are homeless, so it would be cold, raw, salmonella flavored chicken. But I digress). I heard mom start to walk back in from the garage.
“Come with me!” I whispered/shouted. My sister stands and starts following me, her head lolled back and her eyes rolling. Not in like a creepy way. It was like she was this stupid lump of nothing.
“Act normal!” I whispered. Her head slowly rolled forward into its normal position, and she started slowly waving.
“Okay- don’t act normal.” I pull her into the back yard. What had I gotten myself into? I might be allergic to the grass! I can’t handle an allergic reaction right now. I have a pocket watch to deal with. I shoved the pocket watch into my sisters hands.
“Take this- and get rid of it!” I said, “Light it on fire, throw it in the garbage disposal- I don’t care!!”
My sister just stares up at me, her mouth open. “Ugh fine.” I said, “Do whatever you want with it.”
She still just stood in place. I guess she needed specific orders. Thats when mom ran into the backyard.
“What are you doing!” She screamed, and grabbed the watch from my sisters hands. Mom snapped her fingers, and my sister returns. She plopped back on the ground, looked at the two of us, then walks back inside.
“Where did you get this?” Mom asked.
“I found it in Grandpa Louie’s tomb.” I answered.
Uh oh. Raw salmonella flavored chicken here I come. Mom rubbed her eyebrows and looked at me before sighing loudly.
“I cant believe you did this.” She said, “And of course your sister was wearing purple.”
“What?”
“It only works on people that wear purple. Thank god you were scared of the color purple for a while, so you didn’t find it and use it earlier.”
“W-What? What are we going to do about it?”
“Bring it back to the cemetery where it belongs.” Mom replied.
Mom and I hop right back into the minivan and drive back to the cemetery. On the way, I vigorously rub my ankles with hand sanitizer (because of the grass).
As we pulled into the cemetery, I saw it. The white and blue van. With the man in the white and blue uniform. No- he is not a man. He is definitely not a man. He is a mailman. The most devious creature on Earth.
“Mom.” I said, “Mom!”
“What?” She said, and then saw the mailman and her face fell, “It’s just the mailman. You need to chill out.”
“No. No. We have to go now.” I said, “we cant put this back while he’s here.”
“No. We are going.” Mom answered sternly.
Desperation flooded my system, and my hand reached into Moms lap and grabbed the pocket watch.
“What are you doing?” She asked, and then realized, “I don’t have any purple on.”
Shoot. She was right. The car is pulling closer and closer to the mailman. I frantically looked around as Mom smugly held out her hand. And then I saw it. At my feet was a small plastic purple necklace. One of my sisters from a princess costume or something.
I risked getting lime disease or something by reaching down and touching the floor of the car, and I grabbed the necklace and wrapped it around Moms neck. Her eyed widened, and I dropped the pocket watch in front of her eyes. Her eyes went all glazey and she started drooling and slumping down at the wheel. I panicked, and put the car in park.
What was I supposed to do now? I wrapped the pocket watch up and stuffed it in my pocket. It was time to dare myself. It was time to be brave. I slowly opened my door, and stepped out. I still don’t have a plan. The mailman is putting letters in different compartments by the entrance center. I softly closed the door to the car.
I try not to make any sounds. He’s far enough away from me that he cant hear my footsteps, but close enough he could hear a stick cracking under my weight. I stumbled forward, and kept my eyes focused on the gate in front of me. I clutched the pocket watch tight. Sweat grew on my brow. It felt like he could hear my heart beating. I knew he could sense me. I tried to walk as casually as possible, by swinging my arms at my sides. I hoped I didn’t look too stiff.
Thats when the mailman closed his last box, and hopped into his van. The sound of the door slamming made me jump. This was it. This was the end for me, and maybe even the world if he got my watch. He was going to pull his van up to me, beat me up, and steal the watch. Maybe even run me over. I turned to mom, drooling, eyes open in the front seat. This was the last time I would see her before my demise. I dropped to my knees. The van turned, and pulled around next to me. His window rolls down. I close my eyes and drop the watch. I’m ready. Its over for me.
“Have a nice day!” I heard him say.
What? Was this just him teasing me? I hear the van pull off.. and its over. I think its over.
With a newfound confidence, I placed the watch back into Grandpa Louie’s crypt. I walked back to the mini van, and mom was still in the front seat drooling. I snapped, and she was brought back.
“What happened?” She asked.
“I put it back.” I said.
Mom smiled. “And you walked past the mailman?”
“Yeah.” I say.
Mom grinned. “Im proud of you.” She said.
I beamed back. “Im proud of me too.”
When we arrived home, I came to the realization that I wasn’t afraid of mailmen anymore. I mean I was still scared of birds, spheres, television, fireplaces, dandelions, mustard, mustard yellow, and now pocket watches, but whatever. I can finally retrieve the mail, and thats all that really matters.
THE END
By the way:
To answer the question about why the mailman is at the cemetery: its because the mailman was secretly Great Grandpa Louie’s (Aka Louie the Magnificent) greatest enemy, Sven the Colorful. He found out about the location of the pocket watch, and was trying to find it. He was undercover, and trying to steal the pocket watch from the crypt, but Louie’s grandchild had already gotten to it. The undercover mailman was delivering purple shirts to the members of the cemetery (the live members not the dead ones) in case his plan worked. It sadly did not, and Sven is said to be disguised as a Denver Writes employee named Kevin.
